I have to believe in something, don’t I?

  Every day I think about my experiences with the churches I have been to and I got to tell you I really miss all the fellowship. But I have been so dissapointed with church in general that I am almost to the point of just ignoring these thoughts.  Then in trying to ignore these thoughts I generate more thoughts. I just can’t help but think that God is trying to contact me an is not going to leave me alone till I answer. Then I think to my self that this kind of thinking comes from what I have been taught by all the churches of my past. It’s like being brain washed….Or maybe not! I know there is something bigger than this spinning globe that is only a spec of sand in comparason to the rest of the universe.

  When I was involved in prison ministry I was very happy and content with the thought that I had found my purpose in life…that I was fulfilling Gods will for me. When I decided that I had to chose between ministry and marraige I felt such a big loss and have never really recovered from this feeling of guilt. Also there is the resentment that I felt for Jeff that ‘he made me’ give it up. He searched for ‘truth’ and found dissapointment also and decided to stop going to church.

  I know now that I did not have to give it up completely, but for some reason I had this all or nothing mentality.  I think that also comes from the churches of my past. What I have learned most from the churches of my past is how to feel guilty. And they have an answer for that too. "Pam, that’s the devil talking" Oh please, its not the devil its my own insecurity, its that part of me that for some reason keeps trying to convince me that I’m a loser or I am an awful mom etc etc etc.

  So my question is how do I erase the old tapes in my head and make new ones. Why do I have this compulsion that I must to proclaim to the world exactly what it is I do believe.  For one thing, I really don’t know. Does that make me an agnostic. This can’t be….I will go to hell for that!  Oh wait a minute, do I really believe there is a hell.  Some churches teach that hell is the absence of God. Hmmmmmmm Some teach that God is within our minds. Blahh blahh. And they are all right and I am always wrong to question. Thotman use the term puppeteering in his blog, which at this time I would like to encourage everyone to read. Its a touchy subject but I know I can’t just go on ignoring it….ahhh….procrastination is my middle name.

  I have been hiding from this battle in my heart and head for way too long.  I want to believe that God is out there. An entity, higher power, spiritual being, the ‘I Am’ and that He knows me and hears my prayers. I know my mother prayed for God to watch over me during my crazy years. I prayed for God to protect my daughter and  bring her home safe. She ran away at 13 years old and no one heard from he for 4 years.  I think God answered my mom’s and my prayers. Didn’t He? Or is it just fate that meets us where we stand at any given time.

  My good friends Sue and Jim are very devout christians and walk the talk, just wonderful people. Their daughter grew up in this envirement but still in her teens found herself involved in gangs and ended up in prison. When she got out she was in a halfway house and her and this other guy ran away. They both ended up in this house of a friends friend where they were both shot dead along with others that were in the house by someone they didn’t even know. This all happened during the same 4 years my daughter was gone. Sue’s daughter left her with three grand kids to raise. Now why did God answer my prayers and not Sue’s. I remember asking God this question. Sue and Jim never miss church, pray every day, help out in their community, give of themselves without a thought of getting something in return, and then there is me. I give up on the church, on my ministry, and I blame God for everything. That’s an exaggeration. But you get the idea. It doesn’t make any sense. Why did God protect my daughter and not Sue’s. I feel guilty about that too!

  So now my son is in prison and I am praying for him, wondering if and how God is going to answer my prayers. Robert is on the verge of breaking out of the prison he has built in his mind. The one that keeps him from making good decisions. Those thoughts in your head that say nothing will every change.  He wants to be a good person and do the right thing. At 30 years old he is like a little boy that discovers right and wrong and the benefits of doing the right thing. He is tired of paying the price of doing wrong. I remember when I started feeling and thinking these same thoughts. I was stuck in my crazy world till I was 29Years old. It felt so good to say no to the drugs and everything that went along with it. I realized I could be a good person. I can’t explain it. I can tell that Robert is going through this right now, and I am just hoping, hoping that he continues on this path and does not look back except to say to himself "wow look how far I have come"

  How will God answer this prayer?  I pray for my son to make ‘good’ decisions and not let anything block this path that he is on.  So will God answer even though I question His existence, or shoud I say the form of His existence?

  Meanwhile I will continue my search for what I believe in. I do know that searching is a good thing. Even though I can’t pinpoint an exact thought that says ‘This is what I believe’ I can make the statement that I am searching. And I can find some peace of mind in this.

 

  Pam

 

 

 

Darwin vs Trevor

  I just love the way children see the world. So simple, honest, and pure. My neighbor, Terri, watches this incredible little boy while his parents go to work. His name is Trevor and he is 5 years old. He loves to ride his bike on the side walk. He likes to lay on the grass and look at the pictures in the clouds. And of course he loves to watch cartoons.

  The encyclopedia is one of Trevor’s favorite books. He has been learning about the human anatomy. He knows that when you breath in the good air goes into your lungs. He knows the fingers on your hands are called Phalanges Digitoram Manus and your toes are Digitorum Pedis.

  This is one smart kid. Trevor loves to learn and is never short of questions. No matter what the subject of conversation, Trevor will always make his own thoughts be known. Oh, and you MUST listen because everything trevor has to say is of great importance.

  One day Trevor was eating noodles, lots of noodles and Terri told him he was going to turn into a noodle if he kept eating so many noodles! And Trevor confidently replied, "Terri, peoples just be peoples!"  Now I am sure he was absolutely convinced that he could never be  anything but "peoples" and I doubt that Darwin himself would have a chance at winning any argument presented to this sweet, inocent little boy. I said it before, I’ll say it again, kids say the darnedest things.

 

  Pam